Mom Shares How Gentle Parenting Can Backfire With Sensitive Kids

Today’s world is filled with buzzy parenting styles and approaches—from permissive to new age parenting and more, finding what works for you and your kids is ultimately what matters. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all—what works for your neighbor, your friend or even one of your children might not work for another.

That’s exactly the challenge Shelly Miller, known as @theteachermomma on Instagram, highlights in a now-viral video. While one of today’s most popular approaches—gentle parenting—has been effective for many, including two of her children, she explains that it doesn’t always work, particularly for highly sensitive little ones.

“Here are some examples of gentle parenting tools that totally backfired with my highly sensitive child,” Miller says. Phrases like “Are you feeling sad? Would you like a hug?” “I can’t let you hit Mommy. I’m going to hold your hands until you’re safe,” and “It’s OK to feel angry, but it’s not OK to throw that toy,” often escalated her daughter’s emotions rather than calming her down.

“Yes, these tools can work great for some kids. And of course, they’re better than screaming, yelling, or spanking,” Miller acknowledges. “But they still weren’t what my child needed when she was overwhelmed with emotion.”

Her solution? De-escalation with more personal space, limited eye contact, reducing verbal input and ensuring her daughter’s and others’ safety without overwhelming her in the moment. “It really was just a wholly different approach than what a lot of modern parenting advice is giving,” she explains.

The video struck a chord with parents racking up over 300,000 views and thousands of comments. “This is spot on — i think the greatest pitfall of modern parenting strategies is how much nonstop talking and narrating they expect you to do with your kids when sometimes they just need some compassionate space and quiet,” one commenter wrote. Another shared, “I’ve had to learn to adapt my parenting to fit each child’s needs, and what works for one doesn’t work for both. One needs verbal affirmation and a hug, and the other needs space and silent safekeeping. It’s so lovely to hear this commentary because parenting techniques are not a one-size-fits-all all!”

More parents chimed in to share their tips for caring for highly sensitive little ones. “Same thing with my kid. I found a really easy trick was to just start reading a book. He’d go from full freak out, throwing things, to sitting next to me listening to the book,” wrote one dad. “My goals has been to “move quickly, quietly and carefully” through emotions. I usually make statements instead of questions, “I have a hug for you.” Instead of “do you want a hug.” And “I’m going to make a snack for you.” Instead of asking what they want. This helps when they’re flooded with big feelings and just need help moving to the next thing,” added another mom.

When it comes to managing big emotions, having a variety of strategies can be a game-changer. Check out these research-backed, mom-approved ways to handle your toddler’s next meltdown.