Mom Describes the Guilt She Felt Coming to Terms With Daughter's Down Syndrome Diagnosis

Anything that has the potential to make your kid’s life a little bit more complicated is a punch in the gut. As with everything, time is the best medicine. But of course, the initial news of physical, emotional or behavioral disorders can be a tough pill to swallow.

It’s even harder to voice all those scary thoughts running through your mind. Alyse, the YouTuber behind The Ups and Downs, knows the feeling. The mom recently opened up on Instagram to all the conflicting emotions she experienced after finding out her daughter, Felicity—”Flick” for short—has Down syndrome. Like many, she feared her thoughts made her a bad mom. That, however, couldn’t be further from the truth.

“It’s no secret I had a hard time when the doctor told me Flick had characteristics of Down syndrome. I took it incredibly hard. So hard that I hid it from many, even close friends and family,” she admits.

After Flick’s diagnosis, the mom had a hard time grappling with the possibility that Flick most likely would be her last child. The feelings overwhelmed her “like an angry fire.” And it scared her.

“I’m terrified of letting it consume me. Of not being able to be the parent Flick deserves because of the sadness. I hate that when she goes to school, the emptiness of the house mirrors the emptiness inside of me.”

The mom hates when she has these dark moments, because, as she says, “Flick is my world.” Yet, she still battles with envy when others get pregnant again and have more kids.

“I won’t let this consume me, but need to find a way to work through it without the sacrifice of being a bad mother and wife,” she bravely shares. “So if I don’t post congratulations to your pregnancy or birth, it’s not because I’m not happy for you, it’s because I have not made peace with myself yet and I have to figure out how.”

The mom isn’t alone. Lots of people can relate to those feelings, including reality TV star Jenni “JWoww” Farley. Not too long ago, she opened up on what it’s like to raise a kid with a developmental delay.

Your concerns for your child don’t make you a bad parent. In the end, they’ll help you become a better one. Grey’s Anatomy actress Caterina Scorson recently took to social media to express how her daughter’s Down syndrome diagnosis helped teach her why “differences are beautiful."