How to Help First-Time Dads and Partners Feel Involved During Pregnancy
Pregnancy brings about so many physical and emotional changes: Your back is aching, your feet are swollen and you’re crying over a mistake in your to-go order. But the birthing parent isn’t the only one who may have a tough time navigating this new chapter of life. If you’re doing this thing with a partner by your side, remember that pregnancy affects them too. “I’ve been very blessed with an amazingly supportive husband…He wants to do and help as much as he can, but I think it frustrates him that he’s not sure how to be a dad-to-be and what his role is pre-baby,” shares Dreams2Be, a community member on The Bump forums.
If your partner is feeling a little frustrated or confused on how they can be more involved as the non-pregnant parent, they’re not alone. “Because pregnancy, labor and birth are such intense physical processes I think it can feel a bit abstract for partners, and it can be harder to feel as engaged,” says Meema Spadola, PCD, CLC a certified postpartum doula and lactation counselor in New York City. “If couples haven’t been thinking and talking about how they want to navigate this period, it can be easy to default to roles that can leave partners feeling a bit less connected.” To get the conversation started, below are a few ways to help ensure both parents-to-be feel involved every step of the way.
Ensuring that you and your partner are talking about your feelings and perspective roles early on during pregnancy can help stem any feelings of frustration, resentment and confusion later. “Really listen and create that space to open up and share in a vulnerable way,” says Jessica Vernon, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn with over 15 years of experience. “This creates a level of intimacy in the relationship and invites the birthing parent to feel like they can come to their partner and share honestly and know they will get that support.” (And vice versa, of course.)
To further ensure that you and your partner are on the same page, Vernon recommends attending couple’s therapy during pregnancy. “No matter how great your relationship is, having a few visits to allow the opportunity to discuss any feelings and start to make a plan for communications and division of responsibilities after baby comes is huge,” she explains. After all, once baby is on the scene, you’ll likely be stressed, overwhelmed and running on little to no sleep. All of this adds up to a less-than-ideal environment for in-the-moment open communication. To avoid feelings of resentment and frustration later on, start learning the tools for productive conversation during pregnancy.
This kind of engagement and equity in parenting doesn't happen on its own, but is the result of thoughtful conversations, planning, practice and regular check-ins—and it requires both parents to be honest, direct and be ready to do that work.
It’s most important to plan your prenatal visits around your schedule, but the easiest way to get your partner feeling involved is by getting them to hear that heartbeat and see that ultrasound. Since some appointments are bigger than others, make sure to schedule those with your partner, says Rebekah Mustaleski, CPM-TN, a certified professional midwife. You can send them a calendar invite, so they know it’s important that they’re at the appointment too.
One of the best ways to share a partnership during pregnancy is right from the beginning, when you announce your news to your loved ones. Whether it’s through FaceTime, social media or in-person, make sure the big reveal comes from both of you. Down the line, a joint baby shower and maternity photoshoot can both be great ways to mark this incredible time in your lives and opportunities for you and your partner to feel involved in the journey, Mustaleski says.
Make sure you’re a baby-registry team! Do your research on what baby gear fits your lifestyle best, Vernon says, and give each other the space to share opinions. There are some big, important purchases that you may both have strong feelings about (the crib, car seat and stroller come to mind), but there are some registry items that are really no biggie. For example, if they want some baby mittens you don’t think are cute (and you may never need), there’s no harm in compromising and putting them on the list. Registering for a few small-ticket items of your partner’s choice further validates their opinions and ideas.
As first-time parents, you might want a little guidance on what to do before and after baby’s arrival. Taking childbirth classes, “especially those that emphasize partner involvement during pregnancy and birth,” is a great way to do this, Mustaleski says. Not only will you both learn what to expect during the birth process and effective pain management techniques, but your partner can also learn ways to best support you through it. Classes on lactation and newborn care are also good to take together, Spadola adds.
Similarly, consider reading the same parenting and pregnancy books. “The book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin is a classic—and really gives a great overview of labor and birth with concrete tools and tips for birth partners,” Spadola says. Or download a pregnancy app on both of your phones. The Bump forums community member frasey shares that her husband loves to check the apps they use to track baby’s growth. “It gives him some insight into what’s happening without having to hear it all from me. It also gives him something to talk about. He loves when it changes to a new week, and we get to see what fruit or vegetable the baby is that week.”
My sweet husband actually…opened an email account for the baby and has been sending the baby messages. He plans to give baby the account and password at a certain age and maintain the message sending until that time. I have my own little projects—my belly book (which I take the pictures for) and my pregnancy journal—but this is nice because it can be from just him to our child.
Talking and singing to baby during pregnancy has numerous benefits, including voice recognition. “You’ll see them turn toward you if you were doing this before birth because they recognize you,” Mustaleski says. You can make this part of your nightly ritual during pregnancy. As the pregnancy progresses, you’ll even get to feel baby kick and move—a moment that can be incredibly special for partners. As Spankyloves, a community member on The Bump forums notes, her husband regularly asks her about baby’s weekly development. “He absolutely beamed when we first heard the heartbeat and, even though we can’t feel baby yet and baby most likely can’t hear us, he still likes to put his hand on my belly and talk,” she shares.
Even if you and your partner have different aesthetics, tackle the nursery decorating process together. For starters. setting up baby’s nursery will have several to-dos that may seem daunting to tackle on your own. It’ll be nice to have multiple sets of hands to build and arrange all of baby’s furniture, as well as wash and put away all of baby’s clothes and blankets before birth.
If you’re more invested in the decor aspect of the nursery, consider narrowing down the options to a few themes and ideas, then ask your partner which they like best. This way, both of you are involved, but in a way that’s achievable and free of frustration.
We all wish our partners could read our minds from time to time, but, more often than not, we have to ask for the things we need. During pregnancy, you’ll likely be hyper-focused on your health and baby’s wellbeing—and this will extend to postpartum. Let your partner in on those goals. Share what your nutritional needs are, so your partner can help you with snacks and meal prep, as well as remind you to take your prenatal vitamins and supplements, says Mustaleski. If you’re dealing with body aches, let your partner know if there’s anything they can do to help, such as offer a back rub or a foot massage. “If you’re the one who’s pregnant, birthing and possibly nursing or pumping to feed baby, your body is very engaged in the process,” Spadola says. “If you’re the partner, you need to make an extra effort to step up and be involved.” Basically, it’s on both of you!
As you recover postpartum, it can be helpful to lean on your partner for support—and also it’s a nice way involve them. Ask your partner to do some middle-of-the-night baby care too. “Partners can feel left out, especially if you’re exclusively breastfeeding, but remember [they] can still do skin to skin,” Vernon says. For example, after you’re done feeding baby, have your partner burp them, change them and put them back to sleep. Bonus: this also allows you to get a little more sleep at night, Vernon says.
Aside from feeding, partners can help with soothing and even wearing baby; this will help them learn your infant’s cues, Spadola says. “It’s a joy to see fathers and partners who take so much pride in their ability to ‘read’ their babies and calm them.”
More ways to help share the load postpartum: Wash and assemble pump parts, prepare bottles and help with breast milk storage. Plus, make sure Mom’s water bottle is always filled.
Once baby’s born, the birth parent often feels like the candy wrapper—the baby is the candy everyone wants and they’re just thrown away. In this metaphor, the partner often feels like the trash can. It can be really hard—both of you navigating your new identities… No matter how it feels in the early days of parenthood, it does get better. The more you invest in your relationship with your partner during pregnancy and the early days, the more connected you’ll feel later on and the stronger you’ll be as a couple on the other side of the craziness of early parenthood.
We know it can be hard, but you and your partner both need to let each other go at your respective paces. After all, this whole parenting thing is new for you both! It’s okay if your partner holds, feeds, burps or bathes baby differently than you do. As long as neither of you are doing anything that could be dangerous, give each other some grace and the chance to figure things out.
In the long run, ensuring you’re both comfortable with baby on your own also allows you both to have some freedom. “I think in addition to fathers and partners needing to consciously choose to be more involved, mothers or the gestational parent need to reject the notion that they’re the sole expert, with the other parent being the assistant or helper who needs to defer to their judgement,” Spadola says.
The most important thing is to have an open channel of communication. In the meantime, take it day by date. Vernon reminds parents: “Things will normalize over the coming months and years. Just try to take it with grace, be there and stay present.”
Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.
Jessica Vernon, MD, PMH-C, is a board-bertified ob-gyn with over 15 years of experience. She also currently serves as the clinical director of product and an associate medical director at Oula, a midwifery based women’s health startup in New York City.
Meema Spadola, PCD, CLC, is a certified postpartum doula and lactation counselor in New York City with over 19 years of experience. She earned certification from Doulas of North America (DONA).
Rebekah Mustaleski, CPM-TN, IBCLC, is a certified professional midwife specializing in evidence-based maternity care, as well as the compression director with Motif Medical. She co-founded Roots & Wings Midwifery in Knoxville, Tennessee. Mustaleski received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Centre College and worked as a doula and birth photographer prior to establishing Roots & Wings.
Learn how we ensure the accuracy of our content through our editorial and medical review process.
Navigate forward to interact with the calendar and select a date. Press the question mark key to get the keyboard shortcuts for changing dates.
