11 Things Not to Do or Say as a Labor Support Person—According to Real Moms
Your partner is amazing—most of the time. We’re sure of it. But let’s get real: During labor and delivery, even the most supportive plus-one can blurt out or do something so spectacularly wrong that you’ll question every life choice that led to this moment.
To help prevent any delivery-room drama (and keep the peace at home), we gathered the ultimate birth squad—ob-gyns, doulas, midwives and veteran moms who’ve seen it all—to create this essential “what not to do in labor” survival guide. So, listen up, support person: If you’ve been sent this, read it and take notes. Your role is crucial, and these—um—strong suggestions will help you nail it on the big day.
If I bumped into my midwife on the street today, I’d give her a big hug for the top-notch advice she gave my husband before the birth of our second child. Her golden rule was simple: “Don’t ask. Do.” What she meant was, instead of peppering your laboring partner with a ton of well-meaning, but annoying questions (“Do you want a straw in your water?” “Should I rub your back?” “Where’s your ChapStick?”), just flippin’ figure it out! Trust me, when you’re in the throes of labor, the last thing you want is to play 20 questions.
Kristin Revere, founder of Gold Coast Doulas in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and host of the Ask the Doulas Podcast, applauds this advice. “This is what doulas do, and partners should follow our lead,” she says. “We’re there to offer physical support, emotional connection and comfort. Instead of asking a bunch of questions, your partner can, for instance, notice that you’re getting overheated and offer a cold washcloth to dab your forehead.”
Will all of these helpful gestures be appreciated? Of course not. You may get yelled at anyway. But it’s still far better to offer support than constantly ask questions, which forces an already-taxed brain to make decisions. This doesn’t mean all queries are off the table. Just be smart about what you’re asking. “Wanna try a new position?” is better than “Do you know where I put my charger?”
“It’s also important to remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader and could use some examples of support,” says Revere. The key? Preparation! Talk about comfort measures and motivating phrases before labor begins. “Being on the same page with goals and the birth plan is an excellent starting point,” she adds.
It’s estimated that roughly 50 percent of moms-to-be poop during labor. This isn’t shocking. Your care team literally tells you to “bear down like you’re trying to poop” when you’re in active labor. But just because it’s common and natural doesn’t mean your partner needs to offer a bowel movement play-by-play.
“They should just keep it to themselves—forever,” says Amy Braun, LCPC, PMH-C, a licensed counselor certified in perinatal mental health and a mom of four. “I know I pooped during my first labor, and I’m really glad my husband didn’t call that out. I would’ve felt embarrassed and self-conscious,” she says. “It really is best for partners to just ignore it so it doesn’t distract or make anyone feel bad.”
The “clear liquids” rule during labor? Pure torture. Watching your partner devour a cheeseburger in front of you while laboring? Worse! “It’s easy to get nauseous during labor and strong smells can linger and affect one’s ability to concentrate,” warns Revere. “Food in the hospital room during labor is a big no-no.”
Does this mean partners should starve themselves in solidarity? Absolutely not. “Partners need to make sure they’re staying hydrated and eating, so that they can be supportive and engaged during labor,” advises Braun. But here’s the crucial part: “The goal isn’t to make your partner’s labor about yourself,” Braun adds. “Don’t say anything to the effect of ‘I need a coffee’ or ‘I’m starving.’” And for the love of all the fried chicken sandwiches and sushi platters in the world, do not eat anything in front of your laboring partner without their okay. “I was so mad when my husband brought food in!,” recalls Victoria P., a mom of two from Upton, Massachusetts. “I had just gotten an epidural and couldn’t eat. I made him go eat in the hallway.”
The solution? Pack pre-approved, non-offensive snacks in your bag, and leave the room to eat. “If there’s a doula or a family member around, simply go to the cafeteria,” says Revere.
We all know that the camera is a must-pack in the hospital bag. Everyone wants pictures of the brand-new baby! But that doesn’t give the camera operator carte blanche to shoot ev-er-y-thing. “Many people feel exposed and self-conscious during labor. The last thing they want is for someone to pull out their phone and start recording them without asking first,” says Braun.
Good thing the fix is easy. Simply talk about photos, videos, FaceTime and communication beforehand to help avoid any unnecessary stress or conflict during labor and delivery. You’re also allowed to change your mind and verbalize this mid-push. “It’s such a personal time and it’s important that people feel in control of what’s recorded and what’s shared,” says Braun. FYI: All of the above applies to social media announcements—and even sending that “baby is here!” text. Get permission!
“Don’t mention your personal discomfort during this process,” advises Suzy Lipinski, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn at Pediatrix Medical Group in Denver. “People in labor are going through intense challenges. Pointing out that you’re hungry, tired, stressed or uncomfortable will not help anyone.”
“I had preeclampsia with my first baby and my labor was awful,” recalls Jenna F., a Philadelphia mom of three. “Forty hours of labor—on a magnesium drip the whole time. The epidural didn’t work. Third degree tear. My husband? He felt the need to complain to me about his headache.”
Take note, support people: Whining about your own discomfort is the fastest way to get yourself in hot water. Victoria P.’s spouse made the same mistake, grumbling about the less-than-comfortable hospital sleeping conditions. She recalls shooting back, “I’m birthing a human!… You can handle a couch!”
“Partners sometimes say things like ‘you’re being scary’ or ‘don’t panic’ or ‘can you do that quieter?’ I hate it!” says Braun. “The laboring person is already dealing with enough—adding a partner’s freak out to the mix isn’t helpful at all.”
Just ask Grace P., mom of two in Burlington, Vermont: “My husband shushed me while I was moaning loudly during labor. I had to yell at him to stop—and the nurses backed me up.” This happens more than you’d think. When it comes to birth, there’s simply no place for tone policing.
“Phrases like ‘just relax’ come across as invalidating and dismissive,” says Braun. “That means you can wind up feeling alone and unsupported when you really need comfort and reassurance.”
Chrisanne G., a mom of one from Stamford, Connecticut, understood this even before delivery. “Telling me to relax is a surefire way to make me even more mad. It feels so dismissive, like someone thinks you’re overreacting and can’t be bothered to listen to your concerns,” she says. “I’m sure he would’ve been good at taking my emotions seriously without the reminder, but I was taking no chances!” Instead of policing, try these supportive phrases:
- “You’re safe. Let’s take this one step at a time.”
- “I’m here, and we’ll get through this together.”
- “You are in great hands. And I’m here.”
- “This is hard and scary, but you’re doing amazing.”
Labor is no time for timid partners. In fact, labor is exactly the right time to drop social niceties and get loud. Elyse M., a mom of two in Montclair, New Jersey discovered this during labor: “By the time we got to the hospital, the contractions were really strong. I was throwing up and screaming like a crazy person.” When she regained some composure and searched desperately for her husband, she found him patiently standing in a long line to ask the front desk for a wheelchair. “He’s polite to a fault!” she says. “Then when he pushed the wheelchair off the elevator on the wrong floor, he let everyone else get off and back on before he pushed me back on! The whole time I was just screaming at him to get back on the elevator—and so was everyone else!”
“It’s so important to advocate for laboring partners,” advises Braun. “If your partner needs something from the medical team, and can’t ask for it directly, speak up.” This advocacy extends beyond the delivery room. “Remember, the non-laboring partner is the gatekeeper—they need to manage visitors and communication and reinforce any boundaries you’ve discussed beforehand.”
The consequences of staying quiet can be significant, as Victoria P., a Massachusetts mom, learned firsthand. “I had been pushing for a few hours when I was asked to stop and wait until another doctor arrived because the hospital was short staffed,” she recalls. “I was too out of it to speak up for myself, and my husband didn’t either.” They weren’t going to let that happen again. When it came time for baby number two, Victoria’s husband found his voice. “He advocated for me, and I was so grateful,” she says. “My advice to all partners: Don’t stay quiet! And ask questions!”
“My husband repeatedly asked me if and when his mom could come into the delivery room, even though I had already said she wasn’t invited,” remembers Grace, the mom of two in VT. This is a big no-no, agrees Lipinski. “Never pressure a laboring mom to have anyone in the labor room that she doesn’t want,” she warns. “The mom may love her mother-in-law or sister-in-law, but not want them to see her in labor. Don’t force or pressure a mom to have unwanted visitors.” The no-thanks for additional eye witnesses has zero to do with relationships or hurt feelings. Instead, it has everything to do with a mom-to-be’s comfort and dignity. “I’m a private person. Nobody but my spouse gets to see me [poop] on a table!” says Grace.
Does playing a round of Connections calm you down? Does Candy Crush help you unwind? Is your Fantasy Football team in the playoffs? Who cares! When your partner is laboring, your phone goes away. “I’m a firm believer that partners should stay off technology unless they’re taking approved-by-mom pictures, mom-to-be is sleeping or they both agree they’re [having a screen-time moment],” says Christine B., mom of two in Nashua, New Hampshire.
“I once saw a partner spend most of the labor texting updates to family and friends,” recalls Nkem Ndefo, CNM, RN, a certified nurse midwife, registered nurse and the founder of Lumos Transforms. “The birthing person kept looking to them for support, but they were too distracted.” This seemingly innocuous behavior has deep ramifications. “It leaves the birthing person feeling abandoned,” says Ndefo, who’s also a mom of two. “Being fully engaged, even in quiet ways, is far more meaningful than whatever you’re doing on your phone.”
Looking back, Christine is still disappointed with her partner’s phone habits during her labor. “When I was laboring with my twins and having contractions, my husband was sitting on the couch watching videos and scrolling. I wanted to strangle him! I really wish my primary memory of his participation was his support versus his scrolling.”
“Do not take offense to what a laboring mom might say,” says Braun. She’s in pain, she’s scared, she’s trying to push a 7- to 9-pound being out of her person. She’s not thinking about hurting your feelings when she screams “Don’t touch me!” Dig deep, dear partner, and hold your tongue. “It’s always best to go with a calm and reassuring response, no matter what,” says Braun. “Though it may be hard, it’s important to avoid responding with frustration or defensiveness. Instead, acknowledge her feelings and reassure her.” Try some of Braun’s favorite go-to phrases:
- “I hear you, and I’m here for you.”
- “I’ll be your punching bag if you need one. I love you.”
- “Squeeze my hand as hard as you need to. I’m right here.”
- “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got your back.”
- “Tell me what you need—I’ll do my best to help.”
- “You’re so strong. You’ve got this.”
“It was really hard for me when my husband repeated what I said during labor and delivery,” says Victoria P., the mom in Massachusetts. “Our first son had a tough delivery. Twenty-eight hours and it ended with a vacuum. I said a lot of things… Never did I think my husband would repeat that to my family when telling the birth story. But he did and I felt so embarrassed.” As Victoria readies for the birth of her next child, she’s preparing for this not to happen again. “I’ve told him that anything said during delivery should remain private. I don’t think he said those things to make fun of me or anything, but I felt ashamed and I want to avoid that this time.”
“It’s so helpful to talk before labor about what feels supportive,” advises Ndefo. “Remind your partner that you may change your mind about anything, and that they just need to go with it.”
Finally, keep in mind that, while preparing for labor means learning what to say and do, it also means knowing when to call for reinforcements. Even the most supportive partners shouldn’t hesitate to bring in backup. “Dads often resist hiring a doula as they don’t want to be replaced, but later they become our biggest fans,” says Revere. Having someone who’s been through hundreds of births can help navigate the unexpected turns that labor often takes. After all, the strongest advocates know when to build their team.
Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.
Amy Braun, LCPC, PMH-C, IS a licensed counselor certified in perinatal mental health and a mom of four.
Suzy Lipinski, MD, is a board-certified ob-gyn at Pediatrix Medical Group in Denver. She earned her medical degree from the University of Iowa College of Medicine.
Nkem Ndefo, CNM, RN, is a certified nurse midwife, registered nurse and the founder of Lumos Transforms
Kristin Revere, is the founder of Gold Coast Doulas in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and host of the Ask the Doulas Podcast
Learn how we ensure the accuracy of our content through our editorial and medical review process.
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