8 Common Fights Expectant Couples Have (and How to Solve Them)
You’re pregnant and suddenly you’re fighting with your partner about baby names, money and even sex. Sure, pregnancy is temporary, but how you deal with disagreements now can have a huge effect on the future of your relationship.
“The most important factor in setting up a happy relationship after baby’s born is the quality of your relationship while you’re still expecting,” says Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC, a relationship coach and co-author of Fight Right for Your Baby: The How-To Guide for Expecting and New Parents to Shift from Conflict to Connection. And that’s important, since becoming new parents can make your relationship more fragile. According to research, 70 percent of couples experience “precipitous” drops in the quality of their relationship after the birth of a child.
That’s a great reason to get a grip when it comes to disagreements. “For any argument, stop judging and trying to persuade, and ask, ‘What’s important to you about that?’” Berens says. “Sometimes we don’t even know why we’re fighting for something so hard!”
Here, some common arguments new parents face—and how you and your partner can handle them without your relationship imploding.
The issue: Maybe you want to choose a baby name that’s completely unique, and your partner wants something off the latest most popular baby names list. Or even tougher: You’ve always dreamed of your future son being named after your grandfather, but that name reminds your partner of their middle-school bully. Naming baby is a big deal, and it can lead to some heated debates.
How to handle: Don’t try to get your partner to change their mind right then and there—you’ll both just get fired up or defensive—and table the discussion for another time. “Later, when you’re both calm, ask each other about the meaning of the names you each want and why they’re important to you,” says John Gottman, PhD, a psychologist, marriage and parenting researcher, and author of over 40 books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. “Just listen. When you come to a deeper understanding of your partner’s motivations for a particular name, the right decision will emerge.” You can also ask questions. “Find out what’s negotiable and non-negotiable,” says Berens. The baby name process will probably be a huge compromise for both of you, so it’s a smart idea to let go a little.
The issue: Perhaps your partner’s skipping prenatal appointments and ultrasounds for work meetings that don’t seem to be all that mandatory, and you feel resentful: After all, these visits aren’t exactly optional for you. Or maybe your partner says you’re so obsessed with pregnancy that you never talk about anything else anymore—which can feel isolating.
How to handle: Make some pregnant friends who you can commiserate with about swollen feet and endless OB visits, but make sure to be upfront with your partner about what you want and need from them, both during pregnancy and after. “[Since you’re] the pregnant person, your partner will never be able to guess what you need, so you need to be able to ask for it,” advises Tina B. Tessina, PhD, LMFT, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship.
As much as you need your partner to be there for you, it’s important to figure out a way to support them too. “The big theme is trust,” adds Gottman. “Both people want to know, ‘Will you be there for me? Are we in this together?’ Tell your partner how you plan to make time for them and for baby, so all these changes don’t mean they’re off your VIP list.”
The issue: You’re 36 weeks pregnant and at a wedding with your partner. They want to go to the after-party; your feet hurt and you just want your bed. Or, your partner goes out all the time and you feel isolated at home because you’re too tired.
How to handle: Discuss your expectations and where you can compromise, advises Renée Goff, PsyD, PMH-C, a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Orchid Wellness & Mentoring in Cincinnati, Ohio. “It’s important to talk to your partner about expectations regarding what your guys’ social life will look like now,” she says. “Are there other social events you can attend with your partner or your friends that still fill your cup but don’t involve late nights and crowds?”
The issue: Your partner might dig your pregnancy glow these days, but it’s entirely possible that the only thing you want to be intimate with is your pregnancy pillow. Or maybe, it’s the other way around. Either way, when one partner is in the mood for pregnancy sex and the other isn’t, it can create an uncomfortable situation.
How to handle: “Focus on what you do want versus what you don’t and what intimacy you are up for,” Berens suggests. If you’re not feeling well, explain that’s why you’re not up for sex—not that you don’t find your partner as attractive anymore—and find other ways to be close, like a snuggle session on the couch.
The issue: You thought you had the whole in-law relationship down, but getting pregnant opened up a whole new slew of sensitive subjects. Your in-laws could be making comments about your pregnancy weight gain, demanding you consider certain baby names or even asking that you raise the baby a certain way—trust us, we’ve heard it all. Perhaps you want your partner to step in and set up some boundaries, since it’s their family, but that can be easier said than done.
“My mother-in-law and sister-in-law had some interesting…opinions about my baby shower, which I didn’t necessarily agree with,” says Natalie G., senior editor at The Bump and mom of one. “Since they were hosting, I picked my battles and only brought up issues when it felt completely necessary. It ended up being a beautiful event that everyone enjoyed. I’m glad I brought up my non-negotiables, but I’m also glad I let the little details slide.”
How to handle: Team up. “This issue boils down to the fundamental issue of who comes first,” Gottman says. You and your partner are your future baby’s parents, not anyone else, so ultimately the two of you should be the ones making parenting decisions together. Pick your battles—and deal with non-important issues with a secret eye-roll. If it’s a big issue, set the expectation (nicely) that your partner is going to have to tell their folks to back off.
The issue: Having a baby is expensive, to say the least, and agreeing on how much to spend on what can be stressful. This can unearth all sorts of differences you or your partner may have when it comes to money.
How to handle: Make an actual budget together. It sounds simple, but not enough people do this! And seriously, do it right away. The earlier you can figure out your finances and where they’ll go, the easier it’ll be to stick to the budget. You’ll prioritize together, so you won’t ever have to have the “I can’t believe you bought the $1,000 stroller!” argument. “Figure out how you can honor each other’s style in a mutually-agreed-on budget range,” Berens says. “Share what your fears are, and how money was treated in your home growing up. Understanding where your partner is coming from will help you disagree constructively.”
The issue: Maybe it didn’t used to feel like a big deal that you two were different religions, but now that you’re raising a child, you’re disagreeing about what religion to raise them with. Or maybe, it’s another moral or spiritual issue that you can’t see eye-to-eye on.
How to handle: “This can be an extremely emotional and passionate topic for some,” says Goff. “It’s important to truly hear each other out. Look for ways to compromise, if possible. What traditions or celebrations are important to each of you that you want to pass on to your child? Are you able to agree on the commonalities between the religions in regards to values?”
The issue: There will be times during the pregnancy roller coaster that your hormones, aches and pains turn you into a version of yourself you’ve never seen before. Maybe your partner says something you’ve always found hysterical but now irritates you, or maybe what they think is an innocent joke hurts you and makes you cry.
“It was the middle of July. I was watching a TikTok and in it, they started jokingly singing ‘Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,’” shares Kathy S., account manager at The Knot Worldwide and mom of two. “My thoughts went to Christmas, which was six months away, and I started bawling about the idea of my kids running down the stairs on Christmas morning. My husband asked what was wrong, and when I told him, he chuckled and said, ‘Really?’ Pregnancy hormones turned that overwhelming mushy-gushy lovey feeling into overwhelming anger. He never laughed about my pregnancy emotions again.”
How to handle: Goff recommends giving yourself some grace. “You’re experiencing a surge of hormones and constant changes in your body,” she says. She says she often encourages couples to pick a code word—something neutral, like “apple.” “This code word can be used by either person to signal, ‘Hey, that was too far, we need to table this for now,’” she says. She adds that it’s a good way to take a break and avoid saying something unintentionally hurtful. But the code word shouldn’t be the end of the conversation, she cautions: “It’s a pause and should be talked about later … to ensure whatever incident doesn’t happen again or, if it does, what can be done differently.”
Plus, more from The Bump:
Rhona Berens, PhD, CPCC, is a relationship coach and the co-author of Fight Right for Your Baby: The How-To Guide for Expecting and New Parents to Shift from Conflict to Connection.
Renée Goff, PsyD, PMH-C, is a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of Orchid Wellness & Mentoring in Cincinnati, Ohio. She received her doctor of psychology from Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.
John Gottman, PhD, is a psychologist, marriage and parenting researcher, and author of over 40 books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Tina B. Tessina, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and the author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Relationship.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, The Effect of the Transition to Parenthood on Relationship Quality: An Eight-Year Prospective Study, March 2009
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